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Creditors and Martians Cheat Consumers

Smiling for reporters, "lbrown59" exults in his correctness.

(CNN) -- The FTC revealed today that "green cards" returned by the U.S. Postal Service to its customers who use "return-receipt requested" are sometimes lost due to malevolent insiders who have contracted with collection agencies to thwart consumer disputes.

This admission was revealed following the appearance of a posting on a popular credit-related website's discussion board.

Someone named only "lbrown59" posted his suspicions earlier today on the Creditnet.com web site.

Despite receiving heavy criticism from other participants on the site, the individual -- who said only that his last name was "Brown" and that the number 59 was somehow relevant to his identity -- stuck to his story, calling anyone "naive" who suggested that perhaps he was being paranoid.

"Could it be some people don't get their green card back because the CAs have a plant in the local post office that destroys them before the can be mailed out?" lbrown59 asked.

Ultimately, Brown's contentions were vindicated when the FTC's admission was released late today.

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"I knew I was right," said Brown defiantly. "These truly naive people think they know it all, but life would be so much better if only they would listen to me more often."

FTC spokesman Linda Breeze released the commission's formal statement today, implicating Martian aliens as being among the "insiders" Brown earlier referenced:

"Aliens need the green cards to survive in our atmosphere," Breeze stated. "Hence the green cards disappear, whether they are delivered or signed or not, because no one can see the aliens without special glasses."

"Did anyone here really think that what I suggested couldn't possibly happen?" Brown asked, adding, "Can anyone say with complete certainty that it can't happen? We all know how honest the CAs are and that there are no dishonest employees working for the postal service, so no such thing could happen, right?"

The FTC's Linda Breeze explained that postal employees are actually special agents.

Breeze added that she has been personally impacted by the recent circumstances:

"They use my dental work to transmit important info. Unless I'm wearing my special helmet of aluminum foil, then they transmit to it."

Breeze said that the FTC will take decisive action in concert with USPS officials to ferret out the aliens and other "insiders" who have conspired with the CAs and CRAs to steal the green cards.

"We'll do whatever it takes," Breeze added. "This is war."